Big Girl Panties
Last summer scared the shit out of me.
I believe in fear. I believe that it can be an extremely creative energy. I know that when I get asked to do something and it scares the hell out of me, I have to do it. Why? Because every time I have felt extreme fear and moved through it, I have had the most rewarding experiences of my life.
Last summer was one of those experiences. As the time to go to Maine drew near, what kept running through my head was: who the hell do we think we are???? We were 6 friends who had a bold vision, but no practical experience of getting a film made. We were sure to fail miserably!!! Oh God what have we done????
This is what I told myself and the other actresses on set: it’s time to put on the big girl panties. It’s time to live a life of bold dreams, no regrets, full of life force and vitality. We pushed ourselves to our edges, and demanded that of our tribe members. I did many things I have never done before: acted with my students (terror!), howled and keened and wept and stormed (horror!), swam naked in the lakes (nausea-inducing!), took a Zumba class (?????!!!)… the list goes on…
Here’s what I learned: every day I was scared, and every day I went to sleep feeling more alive than I ever have. This idea of the big girl panties is so useful to me-that when I feel the little bratty part of myself taking over, when I feel fear and I start a little temper tantrum inside, and I fight to keep myself safe and small, I think of Maine. I think of how I witnessed the women in my tribe stepping up in a big way. I believe in their bigness, and I believe I stepped up too. I believe in my bigness. I silence the brat by taking bold steps despite the fear. I believe in my big girl panties.